In my introductory post a year ago, I said that I was writing under a pen name for a particular reason. This post is about why I have decided to drop this pen name, Marcus Morris. And so, this post will contain a tiny revelation: my real name, which I will then use going forward. But dropping a pseudonym – which might be a kind of persona - in a newsletter about narcissism and persona, cannot be done without asking myself a question or two. I have been writing about other people for a year now. Is it time to look at myself?
I have been looking at the lives of the iconically famous. I have found that behind distinctive and commanding personas, there was often a difficulty for the person in knowing who they themselves really were. This week I enjoyed guesting in an article for BordoLines Substack about persona in the lives of Donald Trump and King Henry VIII. In Narcissism, Trauma and Celebrity, I have so far focussed on the greatest icons of stage and screen. Elizabeth Taylor found that acting allowed her to be someone else. Elvis Presley, though he was a supreme judge of a good song; though he was an expert performer of people’s sentiments, could not bring himself to write a song of his own. Charles Chaplin could mock his tramp character spectacularly. But he could not accept within himself the destitute homeless boy he had once been. I am very far from being an icon. But at some point this newsletter about Taylor, Chaplin and Presley has to get personal. If we are all somewhere on a continuum of narcissism, I have to take a moment here to question this pseudonym of mine, now that I am abandoning it. Am I only now revealing my ‘true self’?
Unlike some newsletters on this subject, I have defined narcissism not as a kind of person, but as a set of strategies. I have said that we all use such strategies more or less, more flexibly, or more compulsively. I have said that those drawn to fame and creativity might often represent a performance face of narcissism. So, I could ask myself: how much was this Marcus Morris name like a persona serving my own narcissism? It was not, by design, a persona on any level other than name. I was clear in my mind that I would be in every other way my true self. But on the other hand, even my true self as a psychologist probably contains some different parts compared with myself ‘at home’.
Perhaps I have not said often enough, that acting, and performing, is not a bad thing. It can be a great thing. And it is sometimes a necessity. The measure of a problem with narcissism, is a measure of two things: the distance between the persona and the real authentic self of the person, and the degree to which non-narcissistic strategies can be used when needed. By non-narcissistic strategies I mean the tolerance of emotional vulnerability, closeness, being ok with needing others, and the tolerance of shame and guilt. Is it ok to get it wrong sometimes? Sometimes, we need to be not special, not clever, not powerful and not distant. A father might become a performer even when it is time to read a bedtime story, but if his partner is upset and needs to talk to him, he will need to switch that off and switch something else on. This is what problematic narcissism cannot do.
I think choosing a pseudonym did allow me some feeling of safety or a sense of being slightly less accountable for what I say. If I took a critical stance, I did this inevitably from behind a kind of veil. I don’t think this is without narcissism, because it meant that I avoided some vulnerability. But then, I do not think that writing a newsletter is without narcissism either.
Another question would be about how it feels to drop this pseudonym. Does it feel like letting go of something narcissistic? Consulting family, friends and a couple of experts about the decision was uncomfortable. Part of me wanted to avoid deciding I had taken a problem path that needed correcting. Part of me wanted to retain the compartmentalised control of writing with a different name. Part of me did not want to depend on others to help me decide how to move forward. Whilst the pseudonym may not have been narcissistically motivated, it did have narcissistic benefits. After only a year, Marcus Morris does feel like a part of me that I am today losing. This makes me think about what it would be like for an iconic celebrity to drop a persona, that has developed a life of its own over a longer period of time. It might be like stopping heroin (for John Lennon, this task included also stopping heroin).
I spend a lot of time talking about vulnerability in relation to narcissism, and now I feel a bit vulnerable myself. But I learn from my clients every week, that doing something uncomfortable, if you know why you are doing it, can be a good thing. To help decide why it might be right to do something difficult, you have to choose, and then trust, the right people.
Why did I adopt a pen name? There was really just one reason: I thought I would be writing about the confusion and controversies around what narcissism is. There are different theories about narcissism. Behind the sometimes-intimidating language there are contradictions. I offer treatment in the UK National Health Service, and I was concerned that clients might come to my service with the impression that we are confused about how to help. And this is already a central problem in narcissism – a difficulty trusting or depending upon others. I did not want to have to do lots of work thinking with my clients about the difference between confusion about the causes of narcissism (what I am writing about) and how to help. In many ways it is easier to test whether a psychological treatment approach helps, than to test whether the theory behind it is the truth. They are two different questions. Paracetamol (Panadol) has been licensed for pain relief for decades. Long after it was relieving pain, chemists were still debating how and why it actually worked.
Why have I decided to drop the pseudonym and use my real name? After all, I was in good company. J.K. Rowling, Stephen King and Isaac Asimov all used pen names. But I have been thinking about the pros and cons of being Marcus Morris, and others around me have challenged me about it. I have found that I don’t need to be as controversial as I thought I would be. I have found myself writing more positively – writing about what narcissism is as opposed to the conflicts about this.
There was something I liked about Marcus Morris. It was a name I got to choose. Morris was the name of my great, great, grandfather who arrived in London in the 1870s. Marcus went well with Morris. After a year of writing, I want to thank all of you and especially those readers who have liked, commented and started conversations. I really didn’t expect this to be so enjoyable. And after introducing nine icons in a very particular way, I had better introduce myself in a more ordinary way: Dr Simon Rogoff, Clinical Psychologist. It’s good to meet you.
Disclaimer: All views expressed are my own unless otherwise stated, and do not necessarily reflect the views of any institution I have been employed by.
*J.K Rowling: Robert Galbraith; Stephen King: Richard Bachman; Isaac Asimov: Paul French.
Lovely to meet you, Dr. Rogoff. I went through a similar process years ago and it has been an intriguing journey, working through these aspects of how we are presenting publicly. I'm new to Substack but I am already feeling I want to get a bit more personal in my own writings versus always wearing the 'clinician's' hat, so to speak, and I plan on shifting into this gear in an article I'll be posting on July 10th. It may cost me some subscribers but it certainly was cathartic - and also felt very liberating in some ways I'm still sorting through - to write...(!)
It's good to meet you too, Dr Simon Rogoff! An interesting subject. I legally changed my name 3 years ago to a name that authentically resonated with who I believed myself to be, the mark of a new life, which also removed me from the shame associated with my given name and all the baggage of being branded the family scapegoat.. The new me - the real me, I believe is entirely able to be the authentic, successful person I've always dreamed of becoming. And I read somewhere that names have certain frequencies too. I enjoyed your post.